As promised, here we sample you sofbodies some of the various posibilities to overcome the main concern about the Last Ascent concept: Keeping the record.
It is clearly understood that what is wanted is to appraise the last person to redpoint a certain route, at least for a significant amount of time. In order to guarantee that you are the one and only “last ascencionist” you absolutely have to find your method of keeping that record. Take a peek at these ways of ensuring a productive Last Ascent career.
- Sketchy route technique - Open a whole new route with holds so rotten and fragile, following the sketchiest path on the rock so that no one would ever feel invited to lay hands on it, not before nor after you did it. Do it, claim it, leave no (usefull) trace that might help further candidates to try the rout. Spray a lot about how dangerous it is and how the moves are utmostly complicated for even the gifted climber. Give wrong beta, like "clip the first then skip the next 5 hard-clips" "watch out for those tufas on the 45 degree slab..." things like that. Change bolt position such that rope runs like a rollercoaster all the way to chains wich, by the way , you've changed slightly its position "to a better position wich surprinsingly ads a little hint of challenge now";
- “Whoops! The hold snapped off” technique - Once you’ve bagged the intended final ascent of a route, you might consider deliberate excess of pulling on those fragile crimps as you’re lowered off, "just testing purposes" or "cleanign useless debris". If keyholds break... whoops! "Sorry 'bout that, mate!". Yes, now is the time for that sloppy-kicking foot work that you are well known for, as well as those gorilla “pull-out-not-down” techniques. No one (that matters) will ever now it and chances of someone snagging the Last Ascent from you, will most likely be imposible, without, say… the first 15 broken holds, for example. “Happens, you know…” That should do it;
- Voluntary ecological abandonment – this one is a real peace of art. A really refined L.A. technique. Although it depends a lot on over-enhanced environmental awareness among a knowledgeable community and requires lots of publicity effort, likely on web’s newsgroups. It more or less works like this: You choose a route, better yet! You can choose a whole sector! Climb those routes, all of them if you can. Get down and stick a sign you’ve previously painted up straight and high for everyone to see it at the base of the cliff, stating clearly the sector’s closure, due to ecological values, in situ, eternally. Run. Run like hell to the closest web terminal and inform the environmentally conscious community that you’ve came across this bunch of "wild-over-extinction" species (even dinos and shrimp, if you must) and ramble about excommunion to anyone approaching the cliff. Finally and humbly, spray a lot about your L.A. deeds on that precise cliff. Lucky you!;
- Civil-Felony technique – Yees! You know what I mean. Those shiny bolt hangers… wouldn’t they make lovely and exquisite door knobs back at your homeplace? Yeees!... Where’s your collector’s spirit? How many people have the privilege of keeping ex-voto of the utmost prestiged routes in the country? Go for it Smeagol! Do the route, get those anchors on your pack and you can be assured of your keeping the last of its ascents for a long while. Most of them never get rebolted anyway. Its yourszzzz!
- Collective Contribution System – That’s one hell of a technique all right. There are several variations for this one, but it goes around something like this: Gather your bohemian climbing fellas at a popular crag well amid unaware local communities. Choose a sector and divide Last Ascents loot among you all. Siege them routes even if it takes several visits. It’s all about what happens along these visits that will become decisive to snag your Last Ascents. Now, ramble and rave like mad, scream your guts out, swearing in such ungodly manner so that the peasant population can interpret that they’re aimed at. Be obtrusive with your presence. Irreverence is key, disturb, blurb, masturb, litter profusely. Do whatever you must to make a clear (bad) impression upon the people that live and work close by. The purpose here is making them part of our effort of guaranteeing that you will be the last visitors and no other climber will ever be welcomed (or allowed) there. Attaching big numbers to your name is the least of your worries now. Invade property, double the frigging at night. It might take only once to produce effect or it might take some more persistence and creativity. Anyway, the day will come when you will be sure to have no followers to steal your Last Ascent of any route nearby. As sure as sure can be. When called upon attention by someone you will always answer in a deeply offended expression: "Noooo, We didn't do anything wrong!"; "It wasn't us!"; "woah man! they dont lets have fun!"
This efective method is also known as "To-die-in-LA tecnhique", you party a lot and still, in the end, you know you get to keep that bitchie (route).
Do you see the potencial for even more creative techniques for this purpose? Let us know!
So... What’s the real rush in all this, you might ask. What’s the big deal? If thousands of new routes are being set every year in order to continue the pursuit of firsts? Face it: First ascent is dead. Boooring. Pure dullness. Sure to end faster than fossil fuel.
On the other hand, do you want to continue on that worn out path of the so-called “glory” of First Ascents that everybody and its dog are doing? Namely when you know for starters that those are routes where dirt and chunks of loose rock might pop out at any moment (Woo! danger!), chalk marks are scarce and long runners haven’t been place copiously? And specially when you go to 8a.nu only to get to know that a certain route you did 20 years ago has a bigger number associated now, and has got “its First Ascent” (again) by a newborn newbie.
First Ascent?? what the crap is that? duh! (strech the most of your lower lip to pronounce this sentence)
So people, are you ready for Last Ascent? Are you the men (and the women) to enter this hallmark?
Or you rather keep with the sheep?
Where are you guys?
LAST ASCENT we say!
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